This post was inspired by the divorce section of The Huffington Post. I was inspired to write a letter to myself after reading an incredible “letter” written by a woman to herself on her wedding day after her divorce. I had to try it for myself even knowing there were many good things from the past but I wanted to see what would come out of writing such a letter if I was completely “straight out” with myself. Here it is……
A Letter to Myself on My Wedding Day
There you are…. Why did he have to send you that rose and a card with a smiley face on it so you would smile on your wedding day? Is it nerves? I don’t think so. Why is it you didn’t want anyone to see the ring the day after he gave it to you? Why is it you freaked out inside when you were wearing his jacket on Valentine’s Day eight months ago when you felt the velvet box in the pocket? You had had your first argument and I bet you can’t remember why. Why did you say yes? Was it because he was so attentive? Or, was it because he was so attractive with beautiful, dark wavy hair? No, it was because you thought it was the right thing to do. You finally consummated your love after he gave you the rock – on his birthday. Two weeks after the argument. And, now you feel stuck because of all the beliefs you grew up with.
I know you have a plan. You were going to wait until you were at least 27 to even think about marriage. You were going to pack up your little flowered suitcase straight out of high school and take off for the Big Apple. You had so many dreams….. Did you forget about how you wanted to be a fashion designer and travel the world? You can still do it. Just get back into that limousine and have the driver bring you back home, take your honeymoon suitcase, and leave! Now!
You are ignoring the warning signs. This is not the right time for you. You don’t even know his family. What if they are not what they seem to be? I don’t want to give too much away but they will make you cry more times than you know. The truth is hidden from you right now. You are not trusting your gut instincts. Yes, he seems to be a beautiful, caring person. But, he doesn’t even know himself. And, more, you don’t know who you really are. Get out in the world. See the world before you make such a serious decision. He asked and you just went with it. The ring did not even fit. What more can I say? Details, details.
Right now, maybe you think you are in a fairytale? But, what you don’t know is that it will turn out to be a nightmare you never imagined. That princess dress you’re wearing? It doesn’t even fit quite right and wasn’t even what you truly wanted. You never tried any dresses on. Just picked out a pattern someone else wanted you to have and had the dress made. And, it doesn’t make you happy. Perfectly said? He wasn’t what you picked out. Someone else picked him out for you and shoved him your way. You never dated hardly anyone else! Does he make you happy? Doesn’t look that way…. That glass of wine you just had before you left is the only thing keeping you smiling, isn’t it? Oh, yeah, and your father just stepped on your dress and a flower just dropped out of the bouquet. Signs to run? Oh, and I’d better warn you that the ice cream that falls all over the front of your dress at the reception never comes out.
He keeps telling you that you’ll travel and have fun before making any other decisions. You’ve agreed to have several children and build a great home for them. Two weeks after the honeymoon, he is going to tell you that everything is on hold and until the house is perfectly done, there will be no children. Fast forward fifteen years and he will tell you that he is leaving you because you don’t have any, among many other things that do not fit in with “in sickness and in health” and “for richer or for poorer”.
You will spend fifteen years working, cooking, building and cleaning. Dreams will be lost in the clouds. But, his dreams will come alive because of you and your devotion. He won’t know how to help you when you most need it. You will be on your own. Eventhough you will have a few incredible moments of happiness, you will have so many regrets in the end. No children. No home. Lost in the world.
When he leaves, you will feel as if a dagger has been put through your heart as you sit in your tower looking out over the heart shaped pond. No joke. A true nightmare. But, your survival instincts will kick in almost immediately and you will survive. He will be shocked at what you can do. And, so will you. Didn’t he ever know you at all? You will keep wondering about that. And, you will wonder how you can do what you have to do.
Months and then years will be spent wondering what to do with your life because your life was given up the moment you said “I do”. As you sort through everything the year you live alone after he has left, you will cry tears of sadness that make you feel as though your heart is breaking into a million pieces like shattered glass. You will keep getting up and falling down. Over and over. You will reconnect with a friend who helps you find yourself in a way you didn’t expect. You will communicate with him on the internet as someone else and come to know yourself more than you could have while you were together. But, in the end, all you get out of it is a book. It’s a book you will shelve for years and finally publish. And, it won’t be easy. But, in the end, if you try hard enough……you’ll make it to the top.
There is so much more to say but I don’t want to keep you from living your life. You will find your way, along the way. No matter what, don’t give up. Keep surviving. This divorce that is coming in the end will feel like a black nightmare but it will make you stronger than you could ever have been before. And, someday, you will meet the person you were always meant to be with….I promise. Just keep getting up, putting on that red nail polish and breathe. Just breathe.