As Autumn approaches, I am reminded of how there are changes with everything in life. If we are fortunate or lucky enough to survive each season, whether it is the weather or a phase of a marriage or relationship, we come out of it with more awareness and realization of how precious life is and how wonderful it is to have someone to weather the storms with, figuratively and literally, in life and living.
I am a survivor of divorce but not a survivor of my marriage. If only I could go back. But, then, what difference would it make? If someone does not realize there are seasons as neither I nor my husband did, how can there be a chance? I miss the Spring when we moved forward and were so excited to build a home, change jobs or experience a new challenge. Eventhough Summer is almost unbearable to me if it is too hot, I miss the Sun shining with new hope. As for the Fall, it is my favorite season. But, in a marriage it could be the time when we fall to our knees wondering how to get through to that person or beyond a disagreement. Winter brings hibernation and it is the time when we closet ourselves away with a diversion so that we don’t face what may have to be dealt with in connection with our relationship.
The end of my marriage started at the end of Summer when the sun stopped shining as much and he fell away from me by Autumn. Winter brought devastation and an end when he was driven from me by the storms that existed within his head. Mortality was key in his mind. Death. Fear drove him from me with a myriad of excuses dreamed up in the heat of the Summer sun. You might wonder how I can say this. After many years of searching within myself and asking questions and learning the truth, it is the reality of how the fairytale-like love I felt and envisioned for the rest of my life came to a nightmare end. The signs were in front of me but I was so busy I refused to see them. The sun was dull, the leaves swirled in the wind and the snow fell. No new growth was on the horizon with the person who now existed in my marriage. I had lost so much of myself over the years and, in the end, he was not the person I had fallen in love with and I was not what he wanted me to be. I was not perfect.
Before Spring, my husband ran away to new adventures looking for the grass to spring up from beneath the cold, white snow on the ground while I stayed behind to weather the storms alone. A hurricane of destruction made its way throughout my life and he was not spared from the outcome. Along the way he dived off cliffs of desperation in his frantic attempt to find someone to replace me. I remained alone finding glimpses of rainbows and wildflowers to show me the way to the end of what I thought was forever.
In the years that have followed, I have seen and experienced places and people I never thought possible or did not know existed. He has moved on with another in the same place. I still wonder if there is someone out there who will weather the storms and beautiful moments that life has to offer with me. I will keep hoping and, if it happens that I meet that person, I will be who I am and only expect them to be who they are as we face the seasons together. All is not lost. It can be found. Seasons change and hope always remains for those who believe.